Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
