I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
