he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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