walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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