Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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