Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
