I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
