R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Randomize
