Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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