So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize