my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
