last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Four minutes until I can fart!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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