But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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