i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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