sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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