I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize