1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
