i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
