i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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