i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
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