I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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