i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
