I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
