Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Randomize
