Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You need Xanax blowdarts
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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