i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
