My underwear smells like fireworks.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
