Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
