Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
