you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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