Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you win again, gameday.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
