remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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