I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
foreskin is a definite game changer
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize