I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I think your dad took our porno
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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