He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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