ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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