I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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