Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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