so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
