now i know why i became what i already was.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Randomize
