Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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