Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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