I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
