my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
