by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
