I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
