Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
