Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
