I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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