You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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