I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I CAN MOONWALK!
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
A bitchslap is in order.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize