I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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