We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
