I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
