He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Actions speak louder than pants.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
