I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
